The Second Day of Inline Christmas

Let’s do this again…

T’was the Second Day of Inline Christmas when here I sat, sad and broken hearted, tried to finish but only started, a whole new rhyming scheme, that has nothing to do with the theme that had been…so I set right to work winding it down, cause the best day of the year is coming to town, the light at the end of the tunnel I see, and it fills my skating and rhyming heart with mirth and glee. Today we thought it would be rather nice, to spend Christmas Eve skating on ice, so off to the Promenade we went, and a good couple of hours on the ice we spent. And just when it couldn’t get better it seemed, we decided it’d be grand to get ice cream! Italian gelato is still dairy based, with 70% less fat but no less the taste. T’was a yummy treat what more can I say, it certainly was a great Christmas Eve day!

This seems a little extreme...you sure I couldn't just get coal instead?

Unlike inversion tables, this patented apparatus gently relieves lower- and mid-back pain and stiffness without requiring you to be suspended upside down. As you lean forward in the fabric hammock from a kneeling position, Rover takes over. Actually, the device uses your body weight to create a strong, steady traction that relieves pressure on the spine and helps loosen tense back muscles. The optional prostate massage unit is not something I feel the need to discuss here. Don’t ask, don’t tell still applies in some quarters. Butt seriously, for my friends that have severe lower back issues could really benefit from this thing. According to the marketing materials, using the apparatus for just 5-10 minutes a day can relieve back discomfort without medication. In clinical trials at The University of Western Australia, the device helped reduce patients’ back pain and stiffness while improving their quality of life and mobility after only three weeks of use. The unit’s 1″ tubular steel frame supports up to 350 lbs. yet it is lightweight and compact for convenient transport and storage. Assembles easily. 48″ L x 30″ W x 24″ H.

I'd also like a matching set of briefs and a Snuggie to complete the ensemble.

These leg wraps inflate and deflate to improve circulation, soothe sore muscles, and reduce swelling in your lower extremities. Similar to hospital compression boots that stimulate circulation in sedentary patients, the leg wraps have six airbags that wrap around the entire leg and inflate and deflate to help blood vessels expand and contract. The compression intervals stimulate circulation in the thighs, hamstrings, calves, and feet and help facilitate blood flow back to the heart. Too bad they don’t make pants that do that, eh? Ho, ho, ho (heh, heh, heh) The corded remote allows you to select from three levels of intensity and choose from seven programs that pinpoint different areas and at varying intervals. Adjustable Velcro closures ensure optimal fit for all sizes. Plugs into AC. 33 1/2″ H x 30 1/4″ W x 3/4″ D.

The Third Day of Inline Christmas

The anticipation is getting intense…

T’was the Third Day of Inline Christmas…When I looked in the mirror, what looked back was a skater, who’d grown chubby and plump with a little round belly, that when tucked into base position hung like a Hefty sack full of jelly. Too many cookies and holiday treats, would make for slower times the next few skate meets. To maintain not gain was my holiday goal, by mid-December t’was on a roll. But in these last twelve days I’d somehow lost pace, with so many cookies and cakes and tempting treats in my face. But with a wink of my eye and a twist of my head, I’ll turn tonight’s speed practice from work to a party instead. ‘Cause Christmastime is all about fun, and laughter and joy not how many races you’ve won. A few extra pounds this week doesn’t phase, for holiday fun’s what’s important these days, and I know that next week I’ll be shedding the weight, by pulling the pace line, not drafting the skate.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom

We’re getting down to the wire…and thank God for that. I’m starting to rhyme everything and I’m getting fat. I love Christmastime, don’t get me wrong, but this crazy twelve days thing has gone on way too long. It’s taking time from my skating, I’ve blown a few days, looking at words and thinking of ways, to make skater rhymes meaningful and snappy, but honestly I know, some are just crappy. And as I sit and I write I keep eating these treats, when I should really be out skating the streets. A Poet Laureate I’ll never be, just First Loser the hack blogger…yep, that’s me.

Greievous' Tsmeu-6. Catch me now Kenobi...b!%#h!

Drawing upon a robust history of development that began with an original design conceived in Marseilles, France in 1869, and perfected by Z-Gomot Ternbuell Guppat Corporation in the Zug system, the Tsmeu-6 is the motorized monocycle made in the Netherlands that propels a single rider up to 25 MPH. While it probably wouldn’t outrun a varactyl beast named Boga, it’ll be fun to draft behind on the skate trail. Powered by a 31cc, four-stroke 1 1/2-hp engine, the wheel operates by using a centrifugal clutch on its inner steel frame to engage the larger 67″ diam. outer flywheel that actually makes contact with the ground with a rubber tire. The ingenious device is steered by leaning to one side or the other, and it can safely negotiate any dense surface such as pavement or grass. A fiberglass frame encloses the engine, drive train, and fuel tank, and provides a cushioned seat and convenient footrests for riders up to 6′ 3″ high when in a sitting position. The hand-holds have a finger throttle that provides progressive acceleration and a brake that provides confident stops for riders up to 275 lbs. (minimum weight of 110 lbs. suggested for proper counterbalance during acceleration and braking). It can run for up to two hours on less than a 1/2-gallon of gasoline. Not a street-legal vehicle, but neither are skates here in Northern Colorado, so who gives! I’m getting one of these bad boys. Oh, but wait, there’s that price tag…67″ diam. x 14″ W. (110 lbs.)

The Fourth Day of Inline Christmas

The song remains the same…

T’was the fourth night of Inline Christmas when…Down the chimney Crazy Glenn came with a bound, he was dressed all in neoprene, a tho’ the room be quite dimly lit, I could see he was wearing a full-body EzeeFit. A bundle of Bonts he had flung on his back, a couple o’ grand worth o’ skates in that pack. Just as I reached for a fresh pair of Vaypors, my wife slapped me hard with rolled up newspapers. “Hold on there Hot Shot, there’ll be no debate, for you really don’t need one more pair of skates.” “But honey,” I said, “Santa knows I need more, I really can’t rest till I have three or four…from each boot maker I need more and fast, for each model skate’s made from a one-of-a-kind last. It’s the deck height and spacing, carbon content and fit, no one’s like the other and till I’ve tried them all I can’t quit.”

“Be they Simmons, or Rollerblade, Bont or Luigino, it’s better than dropping our cash in casinos! Don’t forget Pinnacle, Powerslide, or Verducci, (last night I watched Big Night with that guy Stanley Tucci.) Then I must try X-Techs, Canariam, EdgeTek and Hyper, Cado Motus and Schankel, before I’m old and in diapers. Cause skating keeps me young no matter how old I get, but this rhyming’s for the birds, tis making my head split.” She looked at me sideways as she dropped the club, “Your just do what’s best for us, I’ll be in the tub.” So I asked Glenn to leave, but in a move I found daring, I had him leave me a gross of Buck Bearings.

And it was in bath that I found her later that night, her skin glimmering in the soft, pale moonlight. She shook her head slowly as I got undressed, and said she still loved me, tho’ I’m so skate obsessed.

"Yeah, so we get to Rollerdome, and it's closed. We're like, 'well this sucks.' Then Walter dropped his phone in the toilet. Come get us, Dude."

Whew! I’m throwin’ rocks tonight. I feel like the Dr. Seuss of skating! Trying to write this stuff is like a natural caffeine. I’m naturally wired.

Yep...here's why I won't be competing in 2011. I'm making the transition from inline to skatecycle. I'm gonna own this s#%t!

This is the skatecycle–the next generation recreational vehicle that won an International Design Excellence Award and a permanent place in the Henry Ford Museum. I’m usually leery of these things, but this one looks pretty cool. It combines the foot control of snowboarding, the balanced turning of skateboarding, and the nimble, undulating movements of casterboarding. (Undulating is a perv-word, isn’t it?) Anyway…both feet are placed onto two slip-resistant footboards, and its double-jointed, twisting axle allows riders to move either of the 9″ polyurethane wheels individually by twisting the feet inwards and outwards. This continued foot motion, in synchronization with a twisting upper body, “drives” the cycle over flat, level ground. Dunno…could this be as cool as the Land Rollers were when Apolo was pitching them? Durable aluminum and composite frame supports riders up to 220 lbs. 30″ L x 6 1/2″ W x 9 1/2″ H. (7 1/4 lbs.)

The Fifth Day of Inline Christmas

This post will make your brain bleed…

T’was the fifth day before of Inline Christmas when…And then with a twinkling my kids came to me, and said “Your count is all wrong, we’ll show you, you’ll see.” With calendar in hand, and a smirk on her face, my daughter said “Dad, you’re just a little off pace.” “No, no!” I cried foul, this just couldn’t be. “My countdown to Christmas is on track, can’t you see?” The 25th is the day I count as day one in my countdown of twelve days of Inline Christmas fun. “But Dad, said my son, Mom said your posts start with “before,” so on 12/25, you’ll still need one more…” He held up his hand and counted on fingers…when Saturday came there was one left to linger. Alas, they were right, the posts as positioned, would leave an extra day for which I hadn’t provisioned. And so, from henceforth each post shall begin, as it should have, with “day of” not “before” in lead in…

The only 5 Golden Rings in my future...pass the ketchup.

I love this time of year. Even when things aren’t exactly like I want them to be, it doesn’t seem so bad. There’s nothing a little Christmas spirit can’t overcome. I can’t wait for Rink Rabbits practice this Thursday. We’re gonna crank the Christmas music, get sugared up and just have fun. The kids have been working really hard all year, so it’s time to bust loose and jam. Plus, a lot of them have been getting deeper into the ice program that our Olympian coach runs, so their skating schedules have actually increased here in the “off-season” for inline. They deserve to enjoy this time, but it’s a surprise so don’t spill the beans. (There will be a full practice on the 26th for all of the advanced skaters, so bah humbug effective 12/26 forward.)

Here’s one I could have used a few years ago before I started doing all of the core building exercises and plyos…

Better than taking Midol before a race (if you're a dude.)

This easily adjustable back brace contours to the unique shape of your torso and back for a customized fit that can relieve lower back pain and improve spinal stability. Made by Bell-Horn, manufacturers of orthopedic devices since 1842, the brace has a patented pulley system that allows it to contour to wider areas around the hips and narrow areas around the torso, ensuring consistent, proper compression from vertebra L1 to L5. You can adjust the tension of the brace with one hand; simply pull the cord and fasten it to the front of the brace when your preferred level of support is achieved. The pulley system exerts 5X greater compression than a typical back brace for superior spinal support. The flexible, 1/4″-thin brace can be worn under clothing and won’t inhibited movement while you perform everyday activities. Waist sizes S, M, L, XL, XXL, or XXXL. 11 1/2″ W x 9″ H x 1/4″ D. (12 oz.)

The Sixth Day of Inline Christmas

You want it, you’ve got it…

T’was the sixth night before Inline Christmas when…But wheels they show wear, more rapid than cheese, o’er grater they look to have been shredded with ease. Got a set for outdoor, one more set for inside, and the cost it adds up, from my wife I can’t hide, “Now Matter, now Hyper, now Atom, and Bont! On MPC, on AM Wing, On Gyro and Inlinebus!” They cost so damn much and it’s really no joke, that it’s easy to o’er spend on wheels and go broke. If for indoor they’d require one wheel to conform, for competition to have one wheel that’s the norm in hardness and thickness, and color and flex, then maybe it’s in one less set we’d need to invest. Then come up with a floor coat that’s one size fits all, and adopt it as standard for tracks large and small. Wheel makers could standardize and sell more of a few, and make money at the same time passing savings on to you…dream big.

Your 2010 Speed Geese, they're gonna lay a hurting on Team Sneetches (those star-bellied beetches.)

Boy…my blog traffic is falling off faster than poop through a goose. This “12 Days” thing has been tougher than I thought it’d be. I guess there’s a reason why skate-bloggers really don’t post too frequently…but me, I enjoy the challenge of just trying to finish what I’ve started (and feel good about it!) Today’s featured item looks a lot more comfortable than the weights I used last year…

Note to boot makers, wing tips are going to be huge on the circuit in 2011.

These are the low-profile wearable 5 lb. weights that provide leg strengthening and extra calorie burning during normal skating. Unlike the bulky ankle weights I used this past fall, these distribute weight equally over a larger surface area, freeing ankles from stress and rubbing wounds while providing resistance. The weights are comprised of 1″ sq. x 1/8″ thick galvanized steel plates sewn into a soft nylon/spandex sleeve that secures to extremities using hook-loop-fasteners. Non-slip cuffs on the inside of each opening keeps sleeves from slipping down your leg.

The Seventh Day of Inline Christmas

As before, there’s more…

T’was the seventh day before Inline Christmas…I was off to speed practice so lively and quick, the pace line was swift, even the Fast Kid felt sick; it’s silly t’think at my age I’d compete, with kids twenty seven years younger with much faster feet. But try as I may, try as I might, I hold onto that pace line, I put up a fight. Then with ten laps to go after 90 we’ve burned, the Fast Kid and Coach remind me I’ve much to learn. As they pick up the pace and start pulling ahead, I give all I can to not being lapped instead. Alas I pushed it to fast when it was my time to pull, and at seven to go I dropped off like a fool. When they catch me and lap me with four left to skate, I push through the pain and don’t let them escape. As the speed starts to climb, legs and lungs start to fail, barely finish the drill, this stuff never gets stale.

I came upon this group of seven Swan Uppers when I hit a stray swan that meandered across the Thames River Bike Path.

Here’s one of those bizarre things you learn when using Google to come up with fodder for daily blog posts (I’ll never do this s#!t again)…Swan Upper. No, it’s not a new kind of shoe leather for making exotic inline skate boots, or a strange new type of rare male-enhancement suppository, it’s a job title. These guys count swans on the River Thames for Her Majesty once a year. Seriously…the job dates from the twelfth century, when the Crown went and boldly claimed ownership of all mute swans, because, well, they could. Supposedly, the things are regarded as a delicacy. They’re not supposed to be eating them anymore, as there is a serious conservation effort at the heart of the ceremony these days. But I bet you’ll find the blue bloods in a small, dark, back room off the kitchen at the country house, stuffing their faces in quiet desperation. “I say, finger licking good, eh old chap?” It’s not hard to imagine, considering how close they are to the Frenchies, who still engage in the preposterous practice of eating Ortolan.

So, my Santa list for the day…

For the skater who has everything except the horse he rode in.

This is the low-impact mechanical exerciser that methodically tilts across five axes to strengthen your core muscles, helping improve your balance and posture and relieve back pain. The saddle tilts back and forth, left to right, up and down, and twists in preprogrammed sequences, strengthening your thighs, buttocks, back, and deep abdomen–core muscles that are neglected by traditional training regimens. The gentle swaying of the saddle changes your center of balance and, as you attempt to regain your equilibrium, your core muscles expand and contract. Ideal for both physically limited and experienced exercisers, the device allows you to conduct a 15-minute exercise routine while seated without creating excessive pressure and stress on joints. The exercise routines also provide a beneficial aerobic workout ideal for those who need to maintain low target heart rates. The seven programs (easy, light, moderate, advanced, waist, hip, legs) and nine speeds are easily controlled on the pommel’s LCD panel that also shows calories burned and the muscles being worked during each routine. I wonder if it comes with an expansion slot for the Foo Manchoo Mechanical Bull card. I’d beat 2.7 seconds, that’s fer dang sure. With a set of stirrups and handle to provide stability. (Wonder if the wife and I could come up with some other “excercises.” Hmmm…)29″ H x 18″ W x 35″ D. (77 lbs.)

Bet you’d love to know what this Santa list is costing, huh? We’ll add it all up at the end. Cause you know, if you have to ask, you can’t afford it! “All hail, Her Majesty The Queen, Seigneur of the Swans.”

The Eighth Day of Inline Christmas

And on it goes…

T’was the eighth night before Inline Christmas when what from my blind side crashed into my ear, but a big iron skillet thrown at me from rear. T’was Horseypants’ rage bout what my Ninth Day blog pic is, which I contend was for humor, but she said was just sexist. “Women in panties on skate blogs there’s no place!” She screamed and she swore as she stomped on my face. And as I lie broken, all bleeding and shaken, she said she was sorry, she’d just been mistaken. While she maintained that the pic was just crude and degrading, she could see now, the post was a joke about ‘bating.

"There are eight of us, why do I have to milk it? How do you even milk a Hutt?! I've got a bad feeling about this..."

Wow…took some heat on that one. And you didn’t know it, but you’ve dodged a bullet too. To make up for my boorish post, she originally wanted me to pose in MY underwear and skates and post it here…a piece of man-meat to be ogled and salivated over. Yeah…well not only would that not be the result of you seeing an image like that, but clearly an apology is in order. I didn’t mean to offend women, and in particular any female skaters, and if I did I’m sorry. Women definately belong in the NSC, and when there’s enough interest from the women in our sport, NSC’s said there’s a home for them. It’s only a matter of time, and it will be great to see that happen, really.

So…back to our Santa list, cause there’s still so much to share, and banish those thoughts of FirstLoser in underwear. These next finds are actually something you might really use to work those legs and skate muscles in the winter months…

If I spot one of these bad-boys in Goodwill, I'm all over it.

Available exclusively from Hammacher Schlemmer, this compact lateral stepping machine’s side-to-side skating motion develops muscles in thighs, glutes, abdominals, and oblique muscles while improving overall balance. When the exercise session is over, it can easily be folded and stored away. The tubular steel frame has non-slip end caps and a carrying strap, and an integrated computer that tracks number of steps, session time, total steps, and calories burned. You Unfolded: 13″ H x 14″ W x 37″ L; folded: 23 1/2″ H x 17″ W x 14″ L. (19 lbs.)

...but when money is no object, I'ma get me some a dem pants.

This is the only cardiovascular trainer that rotates laterally to sculpt the lower body while delivering a vigorous fat-burning workout. I seriously want to try one of these out. Unlike elliptical machines, treadmills, and steppers that focus exclusively on the front and back of the legs, this patented machine’s horizontal figure-eight motion engages the total leg, zeroing in on hard-to-tone areas in the outer and inner thighs and glutes. While the lateral trainer provides excellent sports-specific training for skiers, golfers, and tennis players, any user will benefit from its superior toning and conditioning. The intensity of workouts is easily adjusted at the turn of a tension knob. An LCD readout displays heart rate, calories burned, RPM, speed, distance, and time. Because the trainer requires no electrical power, it can be set up anywhere (requiring less floor space than a treadmill) and operates quietly. You probably wouldn’t be able to read while you use it, but that’s a sacrifice I’d be willing to make if this really works. 65″ H x 48″ W x 36″ D. (140 lbs.)

The Ninth Day of Inline Christmas

This dream gets better and better…

T’was the 9th night before Inline Christmas, and on Facebook a news flash, NSC had just been infused with big wads of cash, Jose and Mantia would build a big monster,  by adding a ladies team to their roster. And t’while ‘ere the original verse speaks of moonlight on breasts, I thought a picture’d show The Ladies of NSC best…

9 Ladies Skating. No need for jokes here. Click to enlarge, er, so to speak.

T’was a night on the couch this one bought me…so since I’m going to hell for it, might as well bring along the tools I’m going to need to stay in shape:

Seriously, it's not mine. Neither is the DVD-ROM of the Playboy magazine archive.

A recipient of the prestigious Medical Design Excellence Award, this is the hand fitness trainer that slips on like a glove and has elastic bands that strap to each fingertip, providing resistance as you open your hand. (For those of us who have hands that put up active resistance, this is important.) By flexing your hand in the opposite direction of its typical motion, the trainer strengthens the extensor muscles in your hands, wrists, and elbows. Ideal for people whose “extracurricular hobbies” require “manual dexterity,” the device strengthens underused muscles and increases flexibility of overworked muscles in the palm, (they’re speaking my language…) resulting in improved muscle balance and joint stability. The resistance can be adjusted individually for each finger and a normal exercise routine consists of 1-3 sets of 10-20 repetitions, every other day. One size fits most, just like those funny smelling balloons they sell behind the glass at Walgreens.

Strong forearms are the long kept secret of the world's fastest wankers.

This is the exercise apparatus that strengthens your wrists and forearms. Unlike free weights that can be awkward and unwieldy for wrist and forearm conditioning, the cushioned exerciser secures your forearm while you grasp the foam-padded handle that can be adjusted to your hand size…A cable and spring mechanism provides resistance as you curl your wrist; three levels of resistance offer a more vigorous workout. Other things do too. You can also reverse your grip to perform wrist extensions. 13 1/2″ L x 6 1/2″ H x 6″ D. (1 1/4 lbs.)

Need I say more? I probably shouldn’t…

The Tenth Day of Inline Christmas

So last night…

T’was the tenth night before Inline Christmas when down on my skate bench there arose such a clatter, t’was a field mouse sneaked in and toppled my Matters, and bearings and axles, spacers, mounting bolts and frames, he’d even chewed holes in my knee pads, they’d n’ere be the same…

10 Sith Lords A Leapin...

Back to the subject of “Totally Awesome Christmas Gifts for Inline Skaters…” I thought I’d show you some of the other “must-have” goods on my fetish, I mean, Santa List…

Vader gloves, mechanical hand optional.

These bad boys have a 7-volt rechargeable Li-ion battery that produces a maximum temperature of 148.9º F. Perfect for all those Rollerdome enthusiasts who are going to find this to be one cold winter.

James Earl Jones voice chip with built in respirator sound comes standard on the D-OrK Model.

See where this is going? I can build myself a complete Dark Lord of the Sith skating outfit with one catalog. This mask for instance, it it humidifies and warms winter air for comfortable breathing. A special ventilation chamber lets wearers inhale full, unhindered breaths while trapping a small amount of heated, humid exhalation. The result is a comfortable, fully oxygenated “micro-climate” inside the mask with up to 80 percent humidity and temperatures 40° F to 60° F warmer than outside air. I bet Vader’s helmet can’t do that.

My luck I'd forget I was wearing them when I hit the Port-O-Potty.

No more of those helmet cam strap-on units. These glasses with a built-in video camera will allow you to hide out in a pace line and discreetly record those spandex-clad keisters in all their stridin’ & glidin’ glory. The 0.3 megapixel pinhole camera is located in the bridge, providing 320 x 240 high-quality resolution for AVI videos. Up to 2 1/2 hours of videos can be recorded directly onto the built-in 2 GB memory. You can buy a 4GB expansion card that comes with a free tube of Astro-glide, for all those lonely hours you’re going to spend on your “technique” after the skatin’s done. Rub-a-dub-dub and shock my monkey! The Force is strong in this one…

The Eleventh Day of Inline Christmas

The dream continues…

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, rather than sleep I’d visions of skating instead. And Mamma in her ‘kercheif and nothing else more, I rolled over and touched her, hoping to score. With a slap and a shove I was left to self love, as skating too much has come ‘tween me and my dove…

How do you get eleven pipers to play in perfect unison? Shoot 10.

On the eleventh day before Christmas…I found a gadget that could serve as a  work-around for the lack of a heart-rate monitor in my new goggles. For the McGuyvers among us, a little chewing gum, Preparation H, sour cream and a paperclip will be all you need to integrate this heart rate monitor with your H.U.D. goggles.

The only problem is, my stats spike when I flick a boogie. That's why they have smoothing I guess.

This bling size ring provides pulse readings without an uncomfortable chest strap or rectal plug. The device simply slides on your index finger and displays an EKG accurate reading on its LCD with the touch of a button. The heart rate ring can be set to audibly alert you when your heart rate exceeds or falls below a preset optimal beats-per-minute target zone, informing you when to increase or decrease your pace. The device also calculates calories burned, steps taken, and distance traveled. With stopwatch and clock functions. F’n’A!