Monthly Archives: January 2017

Speedskating Without a Plan


Happy New Year to all, including to my many readers and those who have raced me and lost so badly they just don’t know what to do. Love! You know that no one loves speedskating more than I do, because I’m a great, great lover of speedskating, and too, you know, I’m a very smart speedskater. While I’ve taken some time away from this blog, I haven’t exactly been taking a nap. You know, like I went away for three, four, six, eight, sixteen months and came back. No, no naps for me. I’ve been busy. And sometimes, I think about coming back to this thing, but, you know, I can only do so much in a day, and many times, this isn’t one of those things.

But look, things are getting bad out there. One of they key problems today is that speedskating is such a disgrace. Good people don’t go into speedskating. Well, maybe that’s not true, but who cares, I said it. I’m just saying whatever the hell our president-elect says, in the hopes that millions of people will start following me and I can quit my day job and be really, really rich, and stupid.

Like, I see they do this big race down in Colorado Springs now at the Velodrome. I think it’s great, really wonderful. But you know, when that dome went up, I was thinking it needed a wall too. And you know what, I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall around that Velodrome, and I will make Columbia pay for that wall. Mark my words. Because, why not?

You might think I’m incoherent, but I just need to say…and this should be obvious to you all…Meryl Streep, one of the most over-rated speedskaters in Hollywood, doesn’t know me. Okay? It’s also been bothering me, all these things people say about my small feet. You know, I order my skates smaller than my shoe size, because I’m very smart. Look at those feet, are they small feet?


And, [Skating rival Not To Be Named] referred to my feet: ‘If they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee. So you know, my toes are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body. So get a grip, okay?

So I haven’t decided yet if I’m coming back or not. But I’ll tell you this, I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke. And I love soda, it’s the best. But only Ginger Beer. Love Ginger Beer. I’m just skating without an agenda this year, and whatever happens, happens. We will see…