Monthly Archives: January 2013

Gettin’ Bootie

Crazy Glenn Koshi is the only guy I know who’s got more bootie than he knows what to do with. He’s flush with lycra and neoprene love. He’s been keeping your ankles blister-free as long as Lance Armstrong’s been denying he’s a doper. And as costs have gone up year after year, he’s done the right thing by us and kept his prices steady. Well, apparently, the Feds have figured out that his profit margin was just way too high, and now they’re looking to him to bail the country out. Yes, as a part of the fiscal cliff compromise, Crazy Glenn is taking it in the sport shorts, and passing on the tough-love to you…

Boehner soon recognized he was dealing with Glenn the Metal God and decided to tax him an extra 666%. Pelosi just wanted to bed him.

Boehner soon recognized he was dealing with Glenn the Metal God and decided to tax him an extra 666%. Pelosi just wanted to bed him.


The Man has come knockin’ one too many times, and Glenn’s at the point of having to pass the cup to you, the hard-working, middle-class skater. It could be worse, but knowing how tough things are out there, he’s giving us a head’s up:

Effective Feb. 1, 2013, Ezeefit are going to have a price increase of $1 per pair of the Ankle Booties and Full Foots. You’re getting the inside scoop here, and you’re getting the chance to stock up before the prices go through the roof. Place your orders before 2/1/13 and avoid the extra charge. But you need to act fast!

Tell those schmucks in Washington D.C. to go balance the budget, offset the deficit and reduce our debt somewhere else. Stick it to The Man and get your orders in now, at ezeefitsports.com, for God’s sake, before it’s too late! For God, Country and Bite-Free Ankles Everywhere!

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Shorts…

Plan on winning and the rest will come.

That said, do you really know how to plan?

Afterburner engaged

My Facebook newsfeed is cluttered with status updates from a lot of those “I have nothing to do all day but post memes” profiles that I jump on to steal from and re-post sos I looks *relevant* to all my FB Friends. The memosphere I subscribe to is a vast wonderland – a colorful playground of the glib and snarky. Well-selected images of cunning pets, maniacal babies, Victorian drunkard folk art, 50’s commercial kitche, fools in unfortunate situations and teenagers standing in the bathroom with their iPhones wearing facial contortions that look like they’ve been sucking Atomic Warhead Sour Candy dipped in peanut butter. “Yeah. Uh-huh. Gonna show her my Jiffy Face.” Mmmwwwaaahhhhh!

How you like me now?

How you like me now?

Moron, oh, I mean, more on memes later. So…I made the decision right before New Year’s to go vegetarian for 4 months, as a test. A colleague suggested I watch Forks Over Knives, a documentary about how with what we’re eating we’re lining our pipes with enough sludge to make the New York City Sewer System look like a clean, un-crowded out-of-the-way-place you’d want to take a first date to impress her. I’ve never been one for watching medical footage on television, but when I saw the scene when they extract a tube of plaque from a guy’s main artery, and another scene where they conduct a bypass operation, I couldn’t help but think that maybe it would be a good idea to consider what the filmmakers were saying – namely that animal fat & processed foods are killing us and that maybe I should consider healthier eating alternatives. So, being a guy who likes to jump right in on the next great idea, I did what any red-blooded meat-eater would do starring down the barrel of another hasty decision, I celebrated by going out for one last burger with “The Fam” to Five Guys Burgers & Fries. That was the best damned burger I’ve ever had…

3 days into it, had a Marshmallow Peep and blew the whole thing. Damned things have Gelatin in them. According to Wiki-Know-It-All, Gelatin is a translucent, colorless, brittle (when dry), flavorless solid substance, derived from collagen obtained from various animal by-products. Not just for breakfast anymore! So much for the technicalities. I didn’t realize till after, so it wasn’t like I ran stark raving mad for the nearest In-N-Out Burger to gorge. In my mind, that’s not a reset. I’m in this to win. Or wind, I should say, which is the point of this post…stereotypes about vegetarians and truth in memes.

Here’s a surprise…the vegetarian diet gives you gas. I knew this beforehand, and it didn’t scare me off (“PullMyFinger” is my middle name) butt wholly shite, I had no idea HOW gaseous I’d become. Gaseous Clay is my new boxing name. I break like the wind and stink to high heaven. My farts were never particularly odiferous, but now, bow-wow-wow-yippy-yo-hippy-stench do they reek! Seriously…no pinching a loaf on the sly in my office anymore. It’s my busy season at work, and I’ve already had a few unfortunately timed “drive-by’s” by key executives right after I’ve popped the cork on a vintage veggie boof-bouquet. Gotta get up and get myself to a safe place before the spoiled slippage seeps. Seeping isn’t quite right. I mean, yes, sometimes. But they’re packing more force, like the Psi has been cranked to 11. Hard to control and man they break bad. Really. Freaking. Nasty.

It was the same week that I sniffed out a “FART FACTS” meme that was loaded with fun nuggets of intelligence on flatulence…

– Vegetarians fart more than non-veggies (I now have proof)
– Termites fart most of all (buggers)
– Most humans fart 14 times per day (that’s an average and I’m a high-end outlier)
– You cannot suffocate in a chamber filled with your own fart gas (time for a Dutch oven, baby)
– SBD’s smell so bad because they’re produced by bacterial fermentation, which produces small amounts of noxious gas that doesn’t build enough pressure to create noise upon release (ain’t that some shite? Yes, actually.)
– Women fart just as much as men (and they smell just as bad – butt you knew this)
– Yes, farts are flammable (strike a light homey)
– Fish and turtles both fart (apparently there was some debate)
– It is not possible to get high from inhaling 2 or 3 farts in a row (butt I got a serious buzz huffing a bag of 12 – try it)
– Farts travel out of the anus at 10 feet per second (7 mph)
– You can, in fact, taste a…

Jeez, I could go on all day. But it was that second to last one – farts travel at 10 feet per second, 7 miles per hour – that got me to thinking…how could I use my newfound super-power to help my skating?

Lucky me, I’ve got a physicist in the family. I hit him up on Fartbook:

Still waiting to hear back from the lab in Cern.

Still waiting to hear back from the boys at Cern.

So there’s your proof from The Prof – Farts Make You Faster! The meme was right. I don’t need to do the math to know that I can convert a tailwind to a headwind with a right old toot of the heiney horn. Yessiree, my heat-seeker sphincter song will propel me to the top of the podium, where I’ll be smelling like roses, or at least the King of the Heap! I knew this new diet would pay off – yeah boyee! And hey, if my butt-cracked-pot theory doesn’t help boost me ahead, at least it’ll keep people off my tail, ’cause, you know, who’d wanna be there?

Go on, pull my finger, I dare you.

Let ‘er rip.

We hope you will enjoy the show

Happy New Year! Let me introduce to you, the new First Loser, same as the old First Loser, just, you know, new…

Have to admit, it's gettin better. Can't get no worse. (Wait. Strike that. Reverse it. It can.)

Have to admit, it’s gettin better. Can’t get no worse. (Wait. Strike that. Reverse it. It can.)

Don’t call it a comeback, but it’s something like that. Not quite a psychedelic acid trip with tangerine rollerblades and marshmallow quads, but it’ll be a trip worth taking, if you’re into skating. It’s not all about me anymore, or maybe, not as much as it used to be. Some weeks, we’re gonna get by with a little help from my friends – skaters you need to know about, learn from and start following. ‘Cause I’m fixing a hole in the content. I’m unplugging the stoppage that is writer’s block, that’s kept my mind from wandering where it will go, which is to all things skating. That’s right, for the benefit of you, Mr. & Mrs. Inline Speedskater, there will be a show tonight. But it’s not on a trampoline, no, it’s right here, right now…just what you wanted, another Mantia video:

Don’t say I never gave ya nuttin’. Anyways, look for new posts every two weeks in 2013. A mix of the old style, with a lot of new seasoning. What you can expect:

– Skate training

– Cross training

– Skater interviews

– Videos

– Nonsense

– Sex, Drugs, Rock ‘n’ Roll

– Rambling, pondering, expounding, bloviation and cranial flatulence

– Inline speed skating

– etc

It’ really doesn’t matter if I’m wrong, I’m write, or right, going to the left, or just rambling incoherently. There’s nothing to do, it’s up to you. Tell your friends, First Loser is back, and I’ve got nothin’ to say but it’s OK!