Monthly Archives: February 2011

Inline texting

Texting. It’s something you just have to do if you want to communicate with anyone too young to remember the original line-up of KISS. I have to admit, I take a dim view of it, best summed up by Bradley Cooper in the movie The Hangover. My great fear is that one day my sorry butt’s gonna get clipped by someone texting while otherwise engaged…

It took 57 blocks to catch the jam skater, 2 seconds to get a 28" wheel up the keister.

Still, I do appreciate the shorthand nature of texting. But being a marketing consultant working with Baby Boomers, I’ve come to learn that it’s going to be a while before the older set gets on-board with anything other that LOL or LMAO.

So…in an effort to bridge the generational divide, here’s a quick study in texting for skaters. No matter how old you are, you’ll be able to use these to let your skate buddies know URHIP:

FS – False start

BFF – Back four feet

LOL – Last off line

WTF – Way too fast (What did you THINK it meant?!)

LPWO – Late pass wipe out

PPPANTS – Power pass placement advancement needs top speed

ROTFSMAO – Rolling on the floor, skating my azz off

NOHOMO – I really admire your form

NSIM – The one and only Northshore Inline Marathon (can’t joke about that)

CSOT – Can’t sit on toilet

K – Okay (because OK wasn’t short enough)

CWDS – Can’t walk down stairs

BOTP – Back of the pack

LEGS – Mantia spotting

GFTL – Go fast, turn left

BMTB – Broke my tail bone

RROMK – Rink rash on my knees

RROMA – Road rash on my azz

360 – SDotCarter just threw a signature pass

FART – Fell attempting right turn

SWTO – Speed Weenie twelve o’clock

T2TB – Time to turn & burn

LOLL – Lapped on last lap

911 – Call an ambulance, I think I broke something

911!!! – Call the next of kin, this guy is toast

CAT5 – I’m going to eat this guy’s lunch (Go on, get upset about it)

CAT4 – Well, look at you! See ya!

CAT3 – Damn, that was fun but I broke a sweat…and I think I have a hernia.

CAT2 – Can I draft behind you? Uh, wait…this was a bad idea…why don’t you just leave me alone… please…sorry.

CAT1 – Hey, that’s a sweet bike you’ve got there. Can I buff your seat?

BIFF – Bit the big one

There have got to be others…feel free to share!

Don’t forget the live NSC FEED happening tonight and tomorrow, live from Roanoke, VA. Click the link below, it’s T2TB.

Drink till ya stink

When he’s not out generously donating his time helping local co-eds master their competitive Octabong skills, Crazy Glenn is cooking up deals just for First Loser readers…

"No honey, c'mon...bend your elbow, head back further, wider gullet. You can do this."

And man, oh man, this one’s better than a campus panty raid…8 new 110mm wheels for less than the price of 4!

LIMITED SUPPLY: 2 sets of indoor Hypers: 1 set bright green Intensity wheels (for slick floors) and 1 set of pink Havoc wheels (harder, more roll.) Your choice, ONLY $55 per set PLUS free shipping…

Get them while they last!

Once they’re gone, that’s it! I almost didn’t share this one, but I just got new wheels so you’re in luck!


So rather than waking up the next day under a pile of empty tall-boys with your face in an ashtray, take your beer bong money and feed your need for speed, cause this deal won’t be here for long!

Crazy Glenn – his skate gear prices are INSANE!!!!!!!

Suave blogger award…cha!

Ca-ching! Ca-chow! Check it out…First Loser has been awarded the soon to be investigated “Suave Blogger Award” for stylish male bloggers. I’m honored and incredulous in the same breath. Did the members of the Academy who develop these awards not bother to read First Loser before conferring this great distinction upon its (using the term very loosely) author? Let’s illuminate the definition of Suave and see how this blog’s content fares in this light, shall we? (Don’t worry, it’s not fluorescent, which makes us all look as pale and sickly as Michael Jackson does these days…)

Suave: The hardest part of inline skating is telling your family you're gay.

Suave, as defined by The Free Dictionary: (adj.) Smoothly agreeable and courteous, (esp of a man) displaying smoothness and sophistication in manner or attitude; urbane [from Latin suāvis sweet]; having a sophisticated charm; “a debonair gentleman”…hmmm. I don’t know. Scratching my chin, I look in the fractured mirror of self-effacement and say, “Self, let’s explore this.”

I land on digging into some synonyms. Let’s see if that helps bring some clarity…


Smooth: Chop goes the weasel.


Charming: Less than a week off skates and I'm singing in Vegas.


Worldly: The high-collar look updated with mantyhose. HUGE in France.


Urbane: "Swing me out wide and I'll clear that ice patch at the trailhead."


Affable: My design for the 2011 Speed Weasels Skin Suit. Unleash your Speedo Weasel...


Sophisticated: It's getting HOTT out HERRE...I don't feel so good, but I look devine.

Mon Dieu!

OK…I’m convinced. They’re right! I deserve this award on all counts. If ever there was a blogger that met all of the criteria in spades, it’s yours truly. I mean c’mon…I make this look easy.

On behalf of the group (me, myself and I) I’d like to thank the Academy for this most notable of recognitions. But, as is always the case when it comes to anything I do, nothin’s for nothin’ and nothin’ is free…there are always some strings attached. For me to accept this award, I actually have to work a little. So in the spirit of “I’ll do anything for an award,” here’s the full list of things I need to do to ensure the eyeball milking effects of this award will bang up my site stats:

  • A link back to the person who awarded it to me:
  • 7 things about me…1. I like to inline skate outdoors on paved, multi-use recreation trails 2. I really enjoy a good inline skating session on the road too 3. I like to inline speed skate on the USARS sanctioned 100m track 4. I like to inline speed skate on the NIRA 100m oval track too 5. I like to inline skate in inline skating marathons 6. I like to inline skate ultra-distance events at least once a year too 7. I like to participate in short track ice speed skating. And because I’m an overachiever…8. I’ve got the best spouse in the world, I love spending my free time with my family, I’m best friends with a pretty great dog, I’m a direct response consultant, think Aaron Burr got a raw deal, play guitar, and I’m learning Japanese.

OK – so the last couple of bits have been a challenge and made me miss my self-imposed Tuesday publishing deadline. Well…that’s a lie. I missed my deadline because I’ve been ice skating like mad, getting in all of the ice time I can. That and, in the interest of future blog fodder, took up yoga this week. (That’s a story for another post, so I don’t want to hear anything from Bean Town Frenchie – you know who you are – until I’ve posted on it!)

Image courtesy of Bean Town Frenchie...everybody wants to get in on the act.

Anyway…here’s where this gets tough: I’m supposed to issue this award to 15 other blogs. Crikey! I’m thinking that the award giver will allow for equal opportunity award distribution, meaning I’m not limited to giving awards to Dudes. So, since I know there is a female equivalent for this honor, I’m going to award to some women as well…

For the ladies...

Blogs By Chicks:

1. Highly Irritable

2. CS – She publishes by email only, so no link – sorry!

3. No Appropriate Behavior

4. The Clothes That Got Me Laid

5. Blog-Blond

For the boyz...

Blogs by Dudes

1. Just Rolling Through Life

2. Zen and the Art of Speedskating

3. Failbook

4. Stuff White People Like

5. The Art of Trolling

6. This is Photobomb

7. There, I Fixed It

8. After 12

9. Failblog

10. The Daily What

I’m assuming some of these are done by Dudes, given the subject matter. I don’t know how I’d react if I’m wrong with that assumption on some of them…Oi!

You’ll no doubt note some high-profile names that didn’t make this list. This isn’t a “favs” list, just a list of discoveries that you may not have heard of.

So…there you have it. Now, for the final task on the acceptance list: I’m off to write each award recipient and tell them I’ve bestowed this high praise on them (and hope they don’t think I’m some freak stalker…)


Free ice time!

From my buddy TASII in Indiana…what to do when 1/3 of the nation is under a couple of inches of ice: OUTDOOR PRACTICE!

That’s thinking!

Zen and the art of speedskating

Like a chronic wanker with Parkinson’s, I often find amusement and get sidetracked for hours…inadvertently. I don’t mean to, but when something piques my interest, I grab hold and shake it for all it’s worth, squeezing every last drop of fun out of it before moving on. Blessing or curse? You decide. I can do the same within the realm of thought, and sometimes, that endeavor proves more productive…

The Thinker, 2011. I got nothin' but time (and a case of silver bullet long necks.)

This ice fascination has really taken tenacious hold of me, and it’s making me do things I once thought…improbable. Like even entertaining the idea of blowing off inline speed skating practice to get some time in at the public ice skating sessions at our local ice rink. Because when I’m out there, I get lost in another zone, where hours speed by like minutes, and the experience leads to a higher level of enlightenment every time.

When skating, I just skate.

It’s deep…I’ve been focused on the sound of silence. That state where you’re no longer toe-pushing and hearing that horrible crunching sound at the end of your stride. For me, it was truly a Zen experience the first time I made it around the entire oval without making a sound. It took three solo practice sessions and three regular classes, but I’ve finally got it. Worked on the straightaways first for a week, then the corners. It was time well spent.

I’m continually amazed at how easy it is to get lost in thought while I’m on the ice. The time goes whizzing by when I’m out there. Well…it’s not like I’m really “lost” in thought, because I’m very aware of what’s going on around me. Rather, it’s that I’m elevated above what’s happening by the thoughts going through my head. Does that make sense? It’s not like I can see myself, but it is a whole lot easier for me to visualize my form when I’m on ice.

I think it’s because I’m so much more into my form. I’m becoming very aware of the subtly of the art of speedskating on ice. It’s really a perfect mix of science and art. I’ve become a mad physicist, conducting experiments, tests and proofs on each lap. I’ll take one stiff-shouldered, then another loose. I’ll push my knees way forward on one lap, and sit back into my heel in the next. It’s so much fun making mental notes of the results. With these notes, I’m kinda coming into my own, referring to them often when I get tired or hear that familiar crunch. Taking instruction from the coaching staff becomes so much more meaningful for me when I’m able to spend more time playing with this stuff on my own. Having their guidance and my own notes, I’m able to make corrections easier when my form starts to break down. I’m able to pinpoint what was wrong, and for me, it’s more apparent and easy to see on the ice than it is on inlines.

That said, WOW! Has the ice ever helped my inline speed skating form. And honestly, I’m back to a place where that’s REALLY got me fired up about inline. And as it turns out, I haven’t actually gotten to a place where I’ve blown off inline practice for ice. Not yet at least. For as any Zen master would ask, “What am I?” And deep down, I know that answer as it relates to skating. I skate, therefore I am.