Tag Archives: hammacher schlemmer

The Ninth Day of Inline Christmas

This dream gets better and better…

T’was the 9th night before Inline Christmas, and on Facebook a news flash, NSC had just been infused with big wads of cash, Jose and Mantia would build a big monster,  by adding a ladies team to their roster. And t’while ‘ere the original verse speaks of moonlight on breasts, I thought a picture’d show The Ladies of NSC best…

9 Ladies Skating. No need for jokes here. Click to enlarge, er, so to speak.

T’was a night on the couch this one bought me…so since I’m going to hell for it, might as well bring along the tools I’m going to need to stay in shape:

Seriously, it's not mine. Neither is the DVD-ROM of the Playboy magazine archive.

A recipient of the prestigious Medical Design Excellence Award, this is the hand fitness trainer that slips on like a glove and has elastic bands that strap to each fingertip, providing resistance as you open your hand. (For those of us who have hands that put up active resistance, this is important.) By flexing your hand in the opposite direction of its typical motion, the trainer strengthens the extensor muscles in your hands, wrists, and elbows. Ideal for people whose “extracurricular hobbies” require “manual dexterity,” the device strengthens underused muscles and increases flexibility of overworked muscles in the palm, (they’re speaking my language…) resulting in improved muscle balance and joint stability. The resistance can be adjusted individually for each finger and a normal exercise routine consists of 1-3 sets of 10-20 repetitions, every other day. One size fits most, just like those funny smelling balloons they sell behind the glass at Walgreens.

Strong forearms are the long kept secret of the world's fastest wankers.

This is the exercise apparatus that strengthens your wrists and forearms. Unlike free weights that can be awkward and unwieldy for wrist and forearm conditioning, the cushioned exerciser secures your forearm while you grasp the foam-padded handle that can be adjusted to your hand size…A cable and spring mechanism provides resistance as you curl your wrist; three levels of resistance offer a more vigorous workout. Other things do too. You can also reverse your grip to perform wrist extensions. 13 1/2″ L x 6 1/2″ H x 6″ D. (1 1/4 lbs.)

Need I say more? I probably shouldn’t…

The Tenth Day of Inline Christmas

So last night…

T’was the tenth night before Inline Christmas when down on my skate bench there arose such a clatter, t’was a field mouse sneaked in and toppled my Matters, and bearings and axles, spacers, mounting bolts and frames, he’d even chewed holes in my knee pads, they’d n’ere be the same…

10 Sith Lords A Leapin...

Back to the subject of “Totally Awesome Christmas Gifts for Inline Skaters…” I thought I’d show you some of the other “must-have” goods on my fetish, I mean, Santa List…

Vader gloves, mechanical hand optional.

These bad boys have a 7-volt rechargeable Li-ion battery that produces a maximum temperature of 148.9º F. Perfect for all those Rollerdome enthusiasts who are going to find this to be one cold winter.

James Earl Jones voice chip with built in respirator sound comes standard on the D-OrK Model.

See where this is going? I can build myself a complete Dark Lord of the Sith skating outfit with one catalog. This mask for instance, it it humidifies and warms winter air for comfortable breathing. A special ventilation chamber lets wearers inhale full, unhindered breaths while trapping a small amount of heated, humid exhalation. The result is a comfortable, fully oxygenated “micro-climate” inside the mask with up to 80 percent humidity and temperatures 40° F to 60° F warmer than outside air. I bet Vader’s helmet can’t do that.

My luck I'd forget I was wearing them when I hit the Port-O-Potty.

No more of those helmet cam strap-on units. These glasses with a built-in video camera will allow you to hide out in a pace line and discreetly record those spandex-clad keisters in all their stridin’ & glidin’ glory. The 0.3 megapixel pinhole camera is located in the bridge, providing 320 x 240 high-quality resolution for AVI videos. Up to 2 1/2 hours of videos can be recorded directly onto the built-in 2 GB memory. You can buy a 4GB expansion card that comes with a free tube of Astro-glide, for all those lonely hours you’re going to spend on your “technique” after the skatin’s done. Rub-a-dub-dub and shock my monkey! The Force is strong in this one…

The Eleventh Day of Inline Christmas

The dream continues…

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, rather than sleep I’d visions of skating instead. And Mamma in her ‘kercheif and nothing else more, I rolled over and touched her, hoping to score. With a slap and a shove I was left to self love, as skating too much has come ‘tween me and my dove…

How do you get eleven pipers to play in perfect unison? Shoot 10.

On the eleventh day before Christmas…I found a gadget that could serve as a  work-around for the lack of a heart-rate monitor in my new goggles. For the McGuyvers among us, a little chewing gum, Preparation H, sour cream and a paperclip will be all you need to integrate this heart rate monitor with your H.U.D. goggles.

The only problem is, my stats spike when I flick a boogie. That's why they have smoothing I guess.

This bling size ring provides pulse readings without an uncomfortable chest strap or rectal plug. The device simply slides on your index finger and displays an EKG accurate reading on its LCD with the touch of a button. The heart rate ring can be set to audibly alert you when your heart rate exceeds or falls below a preset optimal beats-per-minute target zone, informing you when to increase or decrease your pace. The device also calculates calories burned, steps taken, and distance traveled. With stopwatch and clock functions. F’n’A!

The Twelve Days of Inline Christmas

I had a dream…it was the 12th night before Christmas and all through the house, my true love had ordered great inline skating crap for me, her spouse. From Hammacher Schlemmer she bought me cool gear, and it was on this night that my gifts did start to appear.

I’ve always enjoyed gadgets and gizmos and such, but this year t’was goods from Hammacher Schlemmer I desired so much. The catalogs they’d sent, I’d received, count ’em, three. So I stashed one in each restroom to scan leisurely. Each morning I woke and sat reading with wonder, dreaming thoughts of great skating and trails I would plunder. I spent s’much time in there o’er pictures salivating, who’d blame my wife who’d thought me just ‘bating. Alas my hands clean I’d emerge eyes a gleaming, thinking of ways to get these great gifts, I’d been scheming. So join me friend as I share with you here, my inline skating vision of holiday cheer…and take all this rhyming and stick it in your ear.

Like any red-blooded American male, I’ve always loved Hammacher Schlemmer, The Sharper Image and Brookstone. It’s always been about the coolest, latest, and most expensive toys you can find, right? Not really. Here’s the ugly truth – so much of the stuff these retailers sell doesn’t hold its novelty anywhere near as long as I held my own once I discovered my “manhood” as a wee lad. While I’ve always pined for the stuff they sell, once I get it, I usually end up with buyer’s remorse.

Not this year though. This year, for whatever reason, I started to notice that the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog actually has a lot of stuff for skaters. Cool stuff. I could actually make a case for how a lot of their wares can be used to improve my athletic performance, and hold my interest longer than the latest Katy Perry video. (OK, that may not seem like a long time, but for the record, it’s not my interest in her videos that leaves me after about 20 good seconds…)

Elmo can rotate your wheels, Katy. Hehehehe...

So, in a manner that won’t offend Christian sensibilities, I’m going to lead our pace line though The Twelve Days of Inline Christmas as a run up to the big day, as opposed to the traditional span between Christmas and the Epiphany. (If you don’t know what that is, don’t worry about it, you’re going to hell anyway for wearing that skinsuit in public. Dirty sinner.)

Our first item is probably one of the coolest I’ve ever seen, and something I’ve spent some time dreaming about before I found it…

The back story: A long time ago in a Galaxy far, far away, I spent a winter on the elliptical reading Star Wars fiction. You know, because Star Wars nonfiction is just so…academic. Anyway, it was in The Republic Commando novel Hard Contact that I first learned of the concept of a H.U.D. – the Heads-Up Display. It’s a tactical display (oh wait, isn’t that from Star Trek? It’s not like I really know…) in the visor field of those cool republic clone trooper helmets. It delivers all kinds of statistics – vital signs, environmental conditions, targeting guidance, hostile readouts, long range scanning information, texting, IM, Twitter, Facebook, you name it.

"No worries General Kenobi, we'll overtake the Separatists on the highway. Victory is ours."

I always thought it would be cool to have something like that to replace my Garmin Forerunner. Imagine, never having to look down at your wrist to see your pace, heart rate, distance, total time, training partner…you could have it all right in your field of vision. Well, my prayers have been (somewhat) answered by the buyers at Hammacher Schlemmer…

Hells yeah - this HAD to be inspired by Jedi technology.

These goggles use GPS and state-of-the-art sensors to track maximum, average, and current speed, current temperature, latitude and longitude,and a bunch of other cool stats. OK, so they’re ski goggles, but who says we can’t hack this for our own application, right?

Check this…the unobtrusive 2″ display is an LCD “dashboard” that continuously displays performance data inside the goggles’ right lens frame and alerts when speed or other milestones are achieved.

Star Wars technology for more terrestrial applications, like trail skating.

A built-in stopwatch lets you time and “flag” runs for posterity. The goggles store up to 24 hours of data in internal memory that can be uploaded to a computer via the included USB cable. The goggles themselves feature permanent anti-fog, polarized lenses that block 99% of glare and automatically transition between yellow and deep amber as light conditions change. The GPS is powered by a Li-ion battery that lasts up to six hours on a three-hour charge. These are…the bomb. The technology is so close I can taste it. If they’d just integrate a heart-rate monitor…but we can work around that.

On the second day of Inline Christmas I’ll share something more, so come back tomorrow and see what I’ve in store. Ho, Ho, freaking Ho…