Category Archives: Uncategorized

Merry Christmas

Thanks for being here when I came back…

"Can't see the line, can you buddy?"

“Can’t see the line, can you buddy?”


Merry Christmas to you and yours! Stay cool and skate on, friends.

That was fun…

It’s been a while since I’ve been able to get outdoors. That felt good.

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The start of the NSC season always brings a swell of desire to turn and burn with purpose and gusto. And with Mantia out there on the ice living up to his potential, I’m starting to hear the piper calling me to join him. Maybe it’s time for a comeback. That’s a question I’ll have to ponder…

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Follow your dreams…

Follow your dreams...

Stole this from McKenzie Brown on Facebook:

“Everyone has to start somewhere. Follow your dreams, you don’t know where they can take you — with Darian Oneil, Janelle Cole, Melissa Perry, Kelsey Helman and Franchesca Bell.”

Godspeed Ladies of Team USA!

Watch Worlds August 22 – 31 live, here.

USA! USA! USA!

TEAMUSA

Go Team USA, go! Especially the World Class Kid!

Watch Worlds August 22 – 31 live, here.

C’mon y’all

Yep…like a great ball of North Korean bluster-cluck, I started the year with a saber-rattling bang. Man, did I have plans. This was going to be the big year of the First Loser comeback. Well, um, no, that’s not happening any time soon. I’ve been busy man…busy packing it on and skating less and less.

But, unlike New Jersey’s Donut Swilling Governor, I’m not revealing any short-cut gastric surgeries to undo the damage of a few months over-indulgence in Russell Stover’s Pectin Jelly Beans and Pizza.

Yes, I have no plans to run for anything. Or to anything. Imma gonna eat this skate - nom, nom, nom.

Yes, I have no plans to run for anything. Or to anything. Imma gonna eat this skate – nom, nom, nom.

Yes, I’m tired of watching my mid-section gyrate like Shakira’s hips when I brush my teeth shirtless. I’m not going under the knife or making the same mistake I did a few years ago with shakes & supplements. No, I’m shedding the belly shimmy the hard way…healtier dietary choices and Shaun T’s Insanity.

The program is freaking awesome. Really. No weights, no supplements (although they’ll try and sell you a recovery drink), no BS. Just a straight-up, 60 day course in plyos, cardio and sweet pain. Yes – a mainstream plyo workout, 100% skater friendly!

And it’s working. For me, at least. Going into my third week, here are my unvarnished Fit Test results:

C'mon y'all

Now, granted, I’m not quite as out of shape as I make myself out to be (or AM I?) But the chick in the DVD does better than I do so I still have a way to go. Nonetheless, the graph you’re looking at represents eight minutes lived the hard way. But they’re eight minutes that leave me with an incredible sense of accomplishment, so they’re totally worth it. In fact, every workout I’ve done so far feels that way, not just the bi-weekly tests. You get to the end of a daily workout and you’re totally amazed that you’ve done this thing. Even if you can’t keep pace with the hot-bods on the screen (oh yes, there are a few that even Speedy Weezy is looking at saying, “Dad, I think she’s sexy, if that’s what sexy is.”) you go your own pace and feel totally spent at the end of the workout. Spent in all the best meaning of that word. You’ve given everything you have, nothing left in the tank, and it’s good. Look at some of the regular exercises:

Power Jacks
Heisman’s
Power Knees
Globe Jumps
Level 1 & 2 Exercises
Suicides
Mummy Kicks
Moving Push Ups
C Sits
Butt Kicks
Mountain Climbers
Floor Sprints
Log Jumps
Switch Kicks

The list goes on and on. It’s not insane, it’s freaking NUTS. It’s high-intensity interval training. It’s pounding it out as hard as you can, with 30 seconds rest at the end of a series of exercises, then do it again, just, you know, harder and faster than last time.

Another great aspect of the program is it doesn’t take a lot of time. 30-45 minutes a day, 6 days a week. I tell you this, I’ve never looked more forward to having a day of rest as I do now. But really, that rest day is 26.2 mile trail skate day, and believe me, after spending the week putting on the hurt, the trail seems like a trip down light-weight lane.

So this is where my training is this year. I’m committed to Insanity for the next 45 days or so. Or should I be committed for doing this? I’ve been looking at the month 2 schedule, it gets worse. Or better, depending on your sadomasochistic tendencies. We’ll see in a couple of months if I’m as excited about it as I am right now.

Tell you what…if I do stick with this thing, I’m gonna post those unflattering “before” pics with my buff “after” pics. That way, this site will finally get pulled down for obscenity and I’ll be done with it and have more time to skate.

Smoking J’s

Like a blue-meth head tearing out the carpet looking for that elusive last rock, I follow odd notions out to extreme ends. It’s not like I’m sitting here smoking play-doh, nylon and carpet-cleaner, but that’s not something as far out as this theory: If you want to be a WINNER in this sport of ours, you need to change your name. But only if your current nom-de-skate doesn’t start with the letter “J”.

I got it where it counts now, boyee.

I got it where it counts now, boyee.

Being a pareidoliaphile (pron.: /pærɨˈdoʊliəphile/ parr-i-DOH-lee-ə-phile) I’ve discovered the best kept secret in the sport. I’m tellin’ ya, where there’s smoke, there’s crack:

Joey Mantia
Jim Larson
Jordan Malone
Justin Stelly
Jarrett Paul
Jake Powers
Jorge Botero
Jeremy Anderson
Jondon Trevena

All champions. Coincidence? I think not. Perhaps it’s the testosterone fueled phallic nature of the letter itself, but seeing this list, one thing is clear: my uncanny ability to take vague and random stimulus and perceive it as something significant is finally gonna pay big dividends. I’m officially changing my name to Jagger, so I can bust the moves that’ll land my butt on the podium, ahead of you.

Off to listen to some Dub-Step backwards and find hidden messages that’ll unlock the secret that’ll enable me to become the first male roller-girl in the NSC. Dream big.

Gettin’ Bootie

Crazy Glenn Koshi is the only guy I know who’s got more bootie than he knows what to do with. He’s flush with lycra and neoprene love. He’s been keeping your ankles blister-free as long as Lance Armstrong’s been denying he’s a doper. And as costs have gone up year after year, he’s done the right thing by us and kept his prices steady. Well, apparently, the Feds have figured out that his profit margin was just way too high, and now they’re looking to him to bail the country out. Yes, as a part of the fiscal cliff compromise, Crazy Glenn is taking it in the sport shorts, and passing on the tough-love to you…

Boehner soon recognized he was dealing with Glenn the Metal God and decided to tax him an extra 666%. Pelosi just wanted to bed him.

Boehner soon recognized he was dealing with Glenn the Metal God and decided to tax him an extra 666%. Pelosi just wanted to bed him.


The Man has come knockin’ one too many times, and Glenn’s at the point of having to pass the cup to you, the hard-working, middle-class skater. It could be worse, but knowing how tough things are out there, he’s giving us a head’s up:

Effective Feb. 1, 2013, Ezeefit are going to have a price increase of $1 per pair of the Ankle Booties and Full Foots. You’re getting the inside scoop here, and you’re getting the chance to stock up before the prices go through the roof. Place your orders before 2/1/13 and avoid the extra charge. But you need to act fast!

Tell those schmucks in Washington D.C. to go balance the budget, offset the deficit and reduce our debt somewhere else. Stick it to The Man and get your orders in now, at ezeefitsports.com, for God’s sake, before it’s too late! For God, Country and Bite-Free Ankles Everywhere!