Monthly Archives: December 2010

The Eighth Day of Inline Christmas

And on it goes…

T’was the eighth night before Inline Christmas when what from my blind side crashed into my ear, but a big iron skillet thrown at me from rear. T’was Horseypants’ rage bout what my Ninth Day blog pic is, which I contend was for humor, but she said was just sexist. “Women in panties on skate blogs there’s no place!” She screamed and she swore as she stomped on my face. And as I lie broken, all bleeding and shaken, she said she was sorry, she’d just been mistaken. While she maintained that the pic was just crude and degrading, she could see now, the post was a joke about ‘bating.

"There are eight of us, why do I have to milk it? How do you even milk a Hutt?! I've got a bad feeling about this..."

Wow…took some heat on that one. And you didn’t know it, but you’ve dodged a bullet too. To make up for my boorish post, she originally wanted me to pose in MY underwear and skates and post it here…a piece of man-meat to be ogled and salivated over. Yeah…well not only would that not be the result of you seeing an image like that, but clearly an apology is in order. I didn’t mean to offend women, and in particular any female skaters, and if I did I’m sorry. Women definately belong in the NSC, and when there’s enough interest from the women in our sport, NSC’s said there’s a home for them. It’s only a matter of time, and it will be great to see that happen, really.

So…back to our Santa list, cause there’s still so much to share, and banish those thoughts of FirstLoser in underwear. These next finds are actually something you might really use to work those legs and skate muscles in the winter months…

If I spot one of these bad-boys in Goodwill, I'm all over it.

Available exclusively from Hammacher Schlemmer, this compact lateral stepping machine’s side-to-side skating motion develops muscles in thighs, glutes, abdominals, and oblique muscles while improving overall balance. When the exercise session is over, it can easily be folded and stored away. The tubular steel frame has non-slip end caps and a carrying strap, and an integrated computer that tracks number of steps, session time, total steps, and calories burned. You Unfolded: 13″ H x 14″ W x 37″ L; folded: 23 1/2″ H x 17″ W x 14″ L. (19 lbs.)

...but when money is no object, I'ma get me some a dem pants.

This is the only cardiovascular trainer that rotates laterally to sculpt the lower body while delivering a vigorous fat-burning workout. I seriously want to try one of these out. Unlike elliptical machines, treadmills, and steppers that focus exclusively on the front and back of the legs, this patented machine’s horizontal figure-eight motion engages the total leg, zeroing in on hard-to-tone areas in the outer and inner thighs and glutes. While the lateral trainer provides excellent sports-specific training for skiers, golfers, and tennis players, any user will benefit from its superior toning and conditioning. The intensity of workouts is easily adjusted at the turn of a tension knob. An LCD readout displays heart rate, calories burned, RPM, speed, distance, and time. Because the trainer requires no electrical power, it can be set up anywhere (requiring less floor space than a treadmill) and operates quietly. You probably wouldn’t be able to read while you use it, but that’s a sacrifice I’d be willing to make if this really works. 65″ H x 48″ W x 36″ D. (140 lbs.)

The Ninth Day of Inline Christmas

This dream gets better and better…

T’was the 9th night before Inline Christmas, and on Facebook a news flash, NSC had just been infused with big wads of cash, Jose and Mantia would build a big monster,  by adding a ladies team to their roster. And t’while ‘ere the original verse speaks of moonlight on breasts, I thought a picture’d show The Ladies of NSC best…

9 Ladies Skating. No need for jokes here. Click to enlarge, er, so to speak.

T’was a night on the couch this one bought me…so since I’m going to hell for it, might as well bring along the tools I’m going to need to stay in shape:

Seriously, it's not mine. Neither is the DVD-ROM of the Playboy magazine archive.

A recipient of the prestigious Medical Design Excellence Award, this is the hand fitness trainer that slips on like a glove and has elastic bands that strap to each fingertip, providing resistance as you open your hand. (For those of us who have hands that put up active resistance, this is important.) By flexing your hand in the opposite direction of its typical motion, the trainer strengthens the extensor muscles in your hands, wrists, and elbows. Ideal for people whose “extracurricular hobbies” require “manual dexterity,” the device strengthens underused muscles and increases flexibility of overworked muscles in the palm, (they’re speaking my language…) resulting in improved muscle balance and joint stability. The resistance can be adjusted individually for each finger and a normal exercise routine consists of 1-3 sets of 10-20 repetitions, every other day. One size fits most, just like those funny smelling balloons they sell behind the glass at Walgreens.

Strong forearms are the long kept secret of the world's fastest wankers.

This is the exercise apparatus that strengthens your wrists and forearms. Unlike free weights that can be awkward and unwieldy for wrist and forearm conditioning, the cushioned exerciser secures your forearm while you grasp the foam-padded handle that can be adjusted to your hand size…A cable and spring mechanism provides resistance as you curl your wrist; three levels of resistance offer a more vigorous workout. Other things do too. You can also reverse your grip to perform wrist extensions. 13 1/2″ L x 6 1/2″ H x 6″ D. (1 1/4 lbs.)

Need I say more? I probably shouldn’t…

The Tenth Day of Inline Christmas

So last night…

T’was the tenth night before Inline Christmas when down on my skate bench there arose such a clatter, t’was a field mouse sneaked in and toppled my Matters, and bearings and axles, spacers, mounting bolts and frames, he’d even chewed holes in my knee pads, they’d n’ere be the same…

10 Sith Lords A Leapin...

Back to the subject of “Totally Awesome Christmas Gifts for Inline Skaters…” I thought I’d show you some of the other “must-have” goods on my fetish, I mean, Santa List…

Vader gloves, mechanical hand optional.

These bad boys have a 7-volt rechargeable Li-ion battery that produces a maximum temperature of 148.9º F. Perfect for all those Rollerdome enthusiasts who are going to find this to be one cold winter.

James Earl Jones voice chip with built in respirator sound comes standard on the D-OrK Model.

See where this is going? I can build myself a complete Dark Lord of the Sith skating outfit with one catalog. This mask for instance, it it humidifies and warms winter air for comfortable breathing. A special ventilation chamber lets wearers inhale full, unhindered breaths while trapping a small amount of heated, humid exhalation. The result is a comfortable, fully oxygenated “micro-climate” inside the mask with up to 80 percent humidity and temperatures 40° F to 60° F warmer than outside air. I bet Vader’s helmet can’t do that.

My luck I'd forget I was wearing them when I hit the Port-O-Potty.

No more of those helmet cam strap-on units. These glasses with a built-in video camera will allow you to hide out in a pace line and discreetly record those spandex-clad keisters in all their stridin’ & glidin’ glory. The 0.3 megapixel pinhole camera is located in the bridge, providing 320 x 240 high-quality resolution for AVI videos. Up to 2 1/2 hours of videos can be recorded directly onto the built-in 2 GB memory. You can buy a 4GB expansion card that comes with a free tube of Astro-glide, for all those lonely hours you’re going to spend on your “technique” after the skatin’s done. Rub-a-dub-dub and shock my monkey! The Force is strong in this one…

Happy Holidays From Crazy Glenn

Bust out your Ugly Christmas Sweaters and try and squeeze another buck out of your wallet to take advantage of Crazy Glenn’s Last Minute Ugly Sweaters For Skaters Sale…

The psychedelics in the Red Bull finally strarted to kick in, and Glenn saw more to his date than just that groovy sweater.

Due to popular demand, a returning special just in time for last minute shoppers…

In-Stock Jet 3 Point boots, normally $205, now $150. 100mm Jet 3 Point packages, normally $399, now $299; and 110mm Jet 3 Point packages normally $420, now $320.  Shipping and taxes extra, please.
ALSO: sale on Red Semi Race skates and Silver Alpha skates!!!
December Specials Plus: (1) Pair of Long Track Bont Vaypor, blade and silver, size 39 boots only, normally $539, this pair $300, shipped!

ALSO: any in-stock Bont 07 Skinsuit (red/black or pink/purple), $40!
Email Glenn Today! glenn916@yahoo.com

The Eleventh Day of Inline Christmas

The dream continues…

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, rather than sleep I’d visions of skating instead. And Mamma in her ‘kercheif and nothing else more, I rolled over and touched her, hoping to score. With a slap and a shove I was left to self love, as skating too much has come ‘tween me and my dove…

How do you get eleven pipers to play in perfect unison? Shoot 10.

On the eleventh day before Christmas…I found a gadget that could serve as a  work-around for the lack of a heart-rate monitor in my new goggles. For the McGuyvers among us, a little chewing gum, Preparation H, sour cream and a paperclip will be all you need to integrate this heart rate monitor with your H.U.D. goggles.

The only problem is, my stats spike when I flick a boogie. That's why they have smoothing I guess.

This bling size ring provides pulse readings without an uncomfortable chest strap or rectal plug. The device simply slides on your index finger and displays an EKG accurate reading on its LCD with the touch of a button. The heart rate ring can be set to audibly alert you when your heart rate exceeds or falls below a preset optimal beats-per-minute target zone, informing you when to increase or decrease your pace. The device also calculates calories burned, steps taken, and distance traveled. With stopwatch and clock functions. F’n’A!

The Twelve Days of Inline Christmas

I had a dream…it was the 12th night before Christmas and all through the house, my true love had ordered great inline skating crap for me, her spouse. From Hammacher Schlemmer she bought me cool gear, and it was on this night that my gifts did start to appear.

I’ve always enjoyed gadgets and gizmos and such, but this year t’was goods from Hammacher Schlemmer I desired so much. The catalogs they’d sent, I’d received, count ’em, three. So I stashed one in each restroom to scan leisurely. Each morning I woke and sat reading with wonder, dreaming thoughts of great skating and trails I would plunder. I spent s’much time in there o’er pictures salivating, who’d blame my wife who’d thought me just ‘bating. Alas my hands clean I’d emerge eyes a gleaming, thinking of ways to get these great gifts, I’d been scheming. So join me friend as I share with you here, my inline skating vision of holiday cheer…and take all this rhyming and stick it in your ear.

Like any red-blooded American male, I’ve always loved Hammacher Schlemmer, The Sharper Image and Brookstone. It’s always been about the coolest, latest, and most expensive toys you can find, right? Not really. Here’s the ugly truth – so much of the stuff these retailers sell doesn’t hold its novelty anywhere near as long as I held my own once I discovered my “manhood” as a wee lad. While I’ve always pined for the stuff they sell, once I get it, I usually end up with buyer’s remorse.

Not this year though. This year, for whatever reason, I started to notice that the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog actually has a lot of stuff for skaters. Cool stuff. I could actually make a case for how a lot of their wares can be used to improve my athletic performance, and hold my interest longer than the latest Katy Perry video. (OK, that may not seem like a long time, but for the record, it’s not my interest in her videos that leaves me after about 20 good seconds…)

Elmo can rotate your wheels, Katy. Hehehehe...

So, in a manner that won’t offend Christian sensibilities, I’m going to lead our pace line though The Twelve Days of Inline Christmas as a run up to the big day, as opposed to the traditional span between Christmas and the Epiphany. (If you don’t know what that is, don’t worry about it, you’re going to hell anyway for wearing that skinsuit in public. Dirty sinner.)

Our first item is probably one of the coolest I’ve ever seen, and something I’ve spent some time dreaming about before I found it…

The back story: A long time ago in a Galaxy far, far away, I spent a winter on the elliptical reading Star Wars fiction. You know, because Star Wars nonfiction is just so…academic. Anyway, it was in The Republic Commando novel Hard Contact that I first learned of the concept of a H.U.D. – the Heads-Up Display. It’s a tactical display (oh wait, isn’t that from Star Trek? It’s not like I really know…) in the visor field of those cool republic clone trooper helmets. It delivers all kinds of statistics – vital signs, environmental conditions, targeting guidance, hostile readouts, long range scanning information, texting, IM, Twitter, Facebook, you name it.

"No worries General Kenobi, we'll overtake the Separatists on the highway. Victory is ours."

I always thought it would be cool to have something like that to replace my Garmin Forerunner. Imagine, never having to look down at your wrist to see your pace, heart rate, distance, total time, training partner…you could have it all right in your field of vision. Well, my prayers have been (somewhat) answered by the buyers at Hammacher Schlemmer…

Hells yeah - this HAD to be inspired by Jedi technology.

These goggles use GPS and state-of-the-art sensors to track maximum, average, and current speed, current temperature, latitude and longitude,and a bunch of other cool stats. OK, so they’re ski goggles, but who says we can’t hack this for our own application, right?

Check this…the unobtrusive 2″ display is an LCD “dashboard” that continuously displays performance data inside the goggles’ right lens frame and alerts when speed or other milestones are achieved.

Star Wars technology for more terrestrial applications, like trail skating.

A built-in stopwatch lets you time and “flag” runs for posterity. The goggles store up to 24 hours of data in internal memory that can be uploaded to a computer via the included USB cable. The goggles themselves feature permanent anti-fog, polarized lenses that block 99% of glare and automatically transition between yellow and deep amber as light conditions change. The GPS is powered by a Li-ion battery that lasts up to six hours on a three-hour charge. These are…the bomb. The technology is so close I can taste it. If they’d just integrate a heart-rate monitor…but we can work around that.

On the second day of Inline Christmas I’ll share something more, so come back tomorrow and see what I’ve in store. Ho, Ho, freaking Ho…

Anatomy of a skate bench

Ah, hoarding. The excessive acquisition of items, and the inability to discard them. I’ve seen that “reality show” on A&E and while some of you may find entertainment value in these people who are desperate enough for fame that they’ll allow cameras to document their squalor, and sit idly by as their family and friends besmirch their reputations and community standing, others look on with sympathy, seeing the human tragedy and emotional neglect amid the rubble of these people’s lives. I tend to empathize with the show subjects…does that make me one of them?

I really am researching ways to recycle pizza grease in speed bearings. Really.

You might be a hoarder if you look at the clinical definitions of pathological hoarding or disposophobia and defensively argue in favor of the term “collector with purpose.” While my buddies the Collyer brothers and I would tend to think our shared behaviors more in line with the eco-friendly mantra of Reduce, Reuse, Recycle,  I think we all know that deep down inside most serious inline skating enthusiasts, this twisted psychological disorder claims a small part of us all. One look at my skate bench tells my story. Why is it that I can’t seem to part with that 100mm wheel that’s been chewed down to 76mm? HA! Because it will come in handy some day, I just know it.

As I sit here looking at my skate bench, waiting for the A&E film crew to come in and hand me a big ‘ol slice of public humiliation pie, I decide I’m going to take the first step and inventory my accruement. When the hazmat team comes to dig me out, here’s a sampling of what they’ll find in my little corner of the garage…NOTE: this picture was taken in May, 2010. The bench is now much worse than this, but I’m too ashamed to show it:

Touch anything and you'll never write again Slim.

I’ve got everything exactly where I want it:

A. SpeedyWeezy’s first “speed” skates – a pair of adjustable kids rec Rollerblades with the cuffs cut off.

It was a start...

He actually did pretty well on these for a month before we ordered his first pair of Luigino Mini-Challenge. We’ve been saving these in case he becomes the next Joey Mantia, because surely The National Museum of Rollerskating is going to want these for the permanent display.

Can't believe he didn't snap his ankle. Bad Daddy.

B. My first pair of Rollerblade Lightning 10 fitness boots. I’d just popped off the buckle to use on my buddy John’s pair of Powerslides pictured here on the bench. The liners for the Lightnings have been used to make a pair of boots I use on my slideboard.

The chicks really dig these, especially when it's all I'm wearing.

C. Mailing label with Stephen Charrier’s home address so I don’t forget to send him a Christmas card.

D. The Black & Decker heat gun I used to put a hurting on…

D1. …a brand-spanking-new pair of CadoMotus Pro110 boots, now with nasty burns on the inside lining of the left skate.

E. A foam earplug used to make ear-candy bud covers. (Do you know what that means?)

F. Set of Buck Bearings I used to become First Loser in Duluth in 2009 (I think they’re still there, rusted to the table.)

G. 2nd Gen iPod 8GB Mini that I used as the soundtrack to my skating for 4 years. Needs a new battery, works when it’s plugged in so I can’t throw it out. Worth -$10 on Gazelle.com.

H. One of Jondon Trevena’s Rollerblade Lightning race skates – 5 x 80mm set up, all plastic frames, all leather upper, zero support. He actually won races on these things, he thinks he even wore them on MTV back in the day. Yowza!

I think I had a Members Only jacket that would have matched these.

I. eZeeFit Slider Gloves – they’re just sweet.

J. Bowl of miscellany (stripped axles & mounting screws, cut washers, credit card shims, small screws, all crap. But you know…useful crap.)

What my camera missed, but the A&E crew would find…the boxes of used wheels, bowls full of beat bearings, 4 or 5 empty skate boxes, 1/4 full bottles of lube and WD-40, old pairs of protective pads, 1/2 gone boxes of fabric softener, full box of industrial latex gloves, open tube of synthetic axle grease, 16 98mm scooter wheels with bearings rusted firmly in place, cut pylons, instruction manuals and spare Allen wrenches from every new pair of skates I’ve ever acquired, 6 or 7 heel-break assemblies, a set of wheels with disc breaks built into the axles, wheels from my very first pair of fitness boots, old wrist bands, a broken heart rate monitor, two helmet lights, a fanny pack, 2 hydration belts, and holy crap…and a stainless steel coffee pot full of, um, well, it was for those pinch situations when you’ve got your skates on already and can’t go back in the house…we don’t have a floor drain – you figure it out. And all of this is just what’s on or under the table.

Then, there’s the 6 ft. shelf…

Yes, those ARE anti-gravity bounce boots (no homo.)

The shelf is actually a place where I’ve made a little progress since May, in that I rearranged some crap and actually got rid of 1 pair of skates…

These Problades now live in Kenya. Frealz.

Then there are all of these pads, which I’m saving on the bottom shelf for some poor little field mouse who’s going to want a warm place to live this winter…

Seriously, I found a dead field mouse in my knee pad last winter. It was the salt in the liner that killed him.

So in surveying all of this, I think I counted 13 or 14 pairs of skates out there. Some belong to my family, but yes, most are mine. Imelda Marcos ain’t got nothing on me. I’ve got a deeper selection than Zappos. And I can’t ignore all of the frames, cracked helmets and old Ezee Fits out there too. There could be a Yeti living out there in the corner for all I know. It’s a complete disaster.

In May, the lead in to this post was: “I swear, this bench was completely cleaned off two weeks ago…” And it was man. And it was my intention to keep it clean so I could have a place to hang out. But that didn’t happen. With each passing day I was more interested in gearing up and heading out. I’d just keep the important stuff (CadoMotus torquing Allen wrench, indoor & outdoor wheels, Garmin Forerunner) in my skate bag, dump the garbage or unnecessary accessories on the bench and go on my way.

The junk really started piling up once I got my Pro M1’s. These skates don’t live in the wilderness of the skate wasteland I’ve documented here. No sir, they stay in the house, in my ventilated skate bag, with charcoal Stunkies, in my climate controlled closet. Once I got these it’s like nothing else mattered. I didn’t really have time for any of this stuff I’d been “collecting.” And now it all just sits there, a living monument to my mental illness.

What does all of this say about me? That I’m lazy? That I’m a slob? Probably both. But I’ve definitely got a bit of that hoarding gene, and I know I need to shed some gear, toss some crap and get in touch with Dr. Phil. And when he asks me how it’s workin’ for me, I’ll tell that snide bastard to go to hell, cause you never know when your extra junk is going to come in handy and help your kid with his “simple machine” project.

Speedy Weezy's Popcorn Flipper

But seriously, I can’t even find a good way to close this post out…it’s embarrassing. WTF is that all about? Look for some gear to be posted to Nett Racing’s used board soon…maybe. I’m not sure. Ah, I should probably just keep it. You never know…