I’m not usually one to threaten small, defenseless animals, but there’s a reason we’re at the top of the food chain, and I’m cashing in my Darwinian Lottery Ticket…Yo, Ranger Rick. Watch your back. Beware I say! This is fair warning. In the spirit of full disclosure, you need to know something about me. I have a dark side. While my life and household have shared space with many of your domesticated friends, all of whom I’ve loved dearly (all except the freaking parrot,) I’m not an animal lover when I have eight wheels strapped to my feet.
What you need to understand, my furry little friend, is that My Big Backyard has a skate path running through it. You and your little critter friends have A LOT of other places you can frolic and lollygag. Here’s the message I need you to carry back to the burrow: All of you – particularly squirrels, geese, snakes and bunnies – If you want to stay off the endangered list, keep off the damn skate path.
When you see me coming, you need to disperse in an orderly fashion. Preferably to the right, but definitely out of the way. These little games of zig-zag and bob’n’weave are going to get someone hurt – and it won’t be me. I’m bigger than you. A lot bigger. And I’m faster too. And with these big 110mm wheels, I’m more inclined to just roll right over you rather than try and guess which way you’re going to finally break. No more hippity-hopping for me. I got no time to mess around.
No time to mess around because I just got bibbed for the 2010 Northshore Inline Marathon yesterday. I’m in a new division, and I’ve got a lot of work to do between now and September 11. Being in a division that includes the likes of Tony Muse and Norm Kirby (among many other notable names and Facebook friends) opens up a whole new world of hurt when it comes to the level of training I need to put in if I want to have any hope of starting strong, getting in a good line and hanging on at their top speeds. So I’ve got no time to watch for goose poop, snakes that look like sticks, and assorted four legged fuzzballs. You take the woodland, leave the 8 foot wide concrete slab to me. This way, we’ll be able to avoid any unfortunate events that may leave a certain little bunny family wondering why daddy went down to the skate path and never came back. Capisce?
SPECIAL FOR FIRST LOSER READERS!
For a limited time, you can get a sweet new set of 110 Hyper Sidewinders. Here’s the deal from our new sponsor: