Best left to professionals

Did’ja ever have one of those “Ah-Ha!” moments when a universal truth dumbs itself down just long enough for you to get it? The afterglow is refreshing, like the feeling you get making your own warm spot in a cold pool. I had one of those moments last week…   

Chop goes the weasel.

I tried to cut my own hair. It was one of those “bucket list” things. And I was doing so well. As you can see from the top and sides, I was able to blend a #4 & #5 with relative success. I left the back alone, because 2010 is the year the mullet is making it’s well-deserved comeback. (Long live Joe Elliott!) I’d done pretty well trimming the side-burns and over & behind my right ear. It was the passing behind the ear on the left that did me in. I always go wide…   

The starburst pattern calls attention to the perfectly formed lobe. The chicks DIG this.

Now consider, this was last Wednesday morning before work. My schedule that day called for a pow-wow with my right and left hands, and some quality face-2-face with my boss. Oh yeah, the big company Christmas meeting, where 300 of my coworkers would converge to make merry. That too. Brilliant. So I started to think of excuses…   

10. It’s a small tribute to Mr. T’s comeback.    

9. Did it on purpose, for the team.   

8. It goes with the straps on my experimental, custom helmet.    

7. Allows for more sanitary storage of chewing gum during indoor practice.   

6. Lost a bet with a vindictive stylist.   

5. The kids did it when I was sleeping.   

4. A piece of gum fell in my helmet and I didn’t notice till it was too late.   

3. !#$%^&*@ SUPERCUTS!   

2. I work hard to look like an a$$hol3, how do YOU do it?   

1. (After applying bandage with ketchup stain for blood) – emergency brain surgery.    

I actually thought for a minute or two that I could get away with it. I’d just laugh it off. Certainly, walking around like this would make me more approachable, wouldn’t it? Yeah, right. Think fast…   

Hoodie to the rescue. I'll shrug it off.

Fast feet, fast feet…I’m thinking, I’m thinking…Well hey, it’s only one more week till Christmas vacation. I’ll alternate between the hoodie and my wool turtle neck. Maybe even go polo collar-up for a couple of days. Call out sick one day in between…I can do this.   

Well, the hoodie barely covered it if I shrugged, the turtle neck didn’t reach, and the collar-up Gay 80’s ain’t never coming back. I’m screwed…   

The high-collar look updated with mantyhose. HUGE in France.

I could have tried to fix it myself. I was tempted. But having trimmed down to expose the roots of my stupidity, I decided to cut my losses. It was Shawna at Wal-Mart Smart Style to the rescue.

I was outside the salon at 8:45 waiting for her to open at 9. Sitting there in my hoodie and sunglasses, I looked like Aqualung and felt like a schmuck. $20.00 later, I’m happily sporting a high fade cut that works well for your average 14 year old.  

His parents should be shot. Seriously.

It could have been worse. So I’m looking at the bright side. This haircut is going to require me to keep my winter workout schedule up, at least until it grows back, because I start to look like the man with no neck when I gain weight with really short hair. And wow – your head is no place to try and save $15.

Now, how can I trim my nose...

12/9/09 Training: Elliptical late in the afternoon. 45 minutes, but no less sweat with shorter hair.   

12/10/09 Training: Day off.   

12/11/09 Training: 1 hour on the elliptical, level 7, 6.5 miles.   

12/12/09 Training: 1.5 hours at indoor practice. 100 laps split in two. Still getting used to the new frames and recovering from the rib injury. This is going to take a while.   

12/13/09 Training: 2 hours indoor practice. 100 laps, plyos and lap the pack. Also spent an hour in the new laser maze at Rollerland. Think Caterine Zeta-Jones / Entrapment. THAT kind of laser maze. Too freaking cool. Did the easy level in 16 seconds! (Speedy Weezy did it in 14.8!)   

Our lasers are green.

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2 responses to “Best left to professionals

  1. Mantyhose – that is just awesome.

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